Piñata: Survival Island

Wow, the things I endure so that you, Loyal Readers, don't have to.

I've subjected myself to some pretty bad movies over the years (I just recently watched Battlefield Earth; any review that I could write would pale in comparison to the one found at Jabootu, though). Some are good - fun even: The Brainiac, Plan 9 From Outer Space, Robot Monster. Others...well...words fail to describe how painfully bad some are. Some of them weren't even meant to be bad, I'm assuming. I reckon that when Sarah Michelle Gellar signed on for Simply Irresistible, she wasn't intending to make one of the worst movies that I've ever attempted to sit through (twice now, both times unsuccessful - hey, I'm only human, people). Maybe she opted to make the movie around the same time her brain turned to pudding & she decided to marry Freddie Prinz, Jr.

Then you have our subject of today's article, Piñata: Survival Island, a movie that I'm sure featured star Jamie Pressly intentionally leaves off of her resume. The problem with this movie, though, lies not in the acting skills of Ms. Pressly or most of the rest of the cast. No, the biggest problem this flick has against it is that it's boring. And I don't mean boring in the lack of action way (although, from what I gleaned from IMDb, there's surprisingly no 'action', if you catch my meaning). That's usually one of the only reasons for these movies to exist. (I thought that the editing job done by AMC was due to copious amounts of nudidity; turns out, they edited the movie due in part to language, but also to fit in their timeslot, which had the added effect of shortening my torture - & for that I am forever grateful, AMC!) The movie's boring because it's so paint by numbers, which seems to be a common complaint of mine with films of this caliber. Everyone has a particular niche to fill: jock, sex-crazed pothead, witch, drunk, village idiot, etc. I noted in my review for Abominable (which, in comparison to Piñata, is Citizen Kane) how all of the people who get whacked in these things are usually personifications of the Seven Deadly Sins (although Gluttony, of the eating variety, is almost always absent for some reason). This movie is no exception: Lust - sex-crazed pothead Larry & Lisa & dumb jock Jake & Carmen; Gluttony (excessive drinking) - everyone; Greed - village idiot Larry; Sloth - the makers of this piece of crap, or in the context of not wanting to act or cowardice, Lisa again (but justifiably so); Wrath (more like pouting) - the heroes of our movie, Kyle (Nicolas Brendon, of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame) & Tina (Pressly's character), who were an item until Kyle thought Tina was messing around on him, which turned out to be a misunderstanding, which they worked out, which is why they survive to see the credits (oops, hope I didn't spoil anything for you); Envy - me, envious of anybody else watching anything else; & Pride - Julie. The only two that really don't do anything too bad are Doug & Monica, the token black couple (OK, they drank a little), & Paul (Garrett Wang, Ensign Harry Kim on Star Trek: Voyager; geez, Garrett, did you need money to pay the rent or something?) & Connie, the island's caretakers/resident advisors. And three of them still get eaten!

OK, I guess I've stalled long enough. On to the movie itself.

We start off with what is seriously the longest into since The Braniac's Inquisition read-a-thon. It seems that some time ago, a prosperous little Indian village in Central America was cursed. The village shaman figured the best way to rid his people of their affliction was to make two piñatas (unfortunately, not the candy filled, crepe paper covered kind, but rather made of terracotta). One was made, complete with a fresh, still beating (natch) pigs heart, to absorb the sins of the people & another was made to bring happiness & stability back. This is accomplished by standing in front of the ugly, pig-hearted piñata & having all of one's iniquities sucked out of oneself, then going to the much nicer piñata &, um...not really doing much (well, it worked for them). They then take turns smacking the good piñata (that's gratitude for you), setting the stage for the bulk of the clips sent in to America's Funniest Home Videos. The bad, ugly, pig-hearted, sin-filled piñata is set adrift in the ocean, taking with it all of the troubles of the tribe, who probably ended up on the losing end of the Conquistador invasion anyway.

We cut to the present, where we catch two rubber rafts skipping across the waves, full of Piñata-chow students from some local college (located on an island in what looks to be the Caribbean?). All aboard are acting like they're in a Coors Light commercial: girls in bikinis, everyone squirting each other with super-soakers & lobbing water balloons. Being blared over the festivities is some of the most obnoxious, generic 'X-treme' rock music ever committed to batter my ears (great...fifteen seconds into the movie & I'm already filled with a strange mix of dread & rage. Never a good sign.). This goes on for an interminable length. I found myself wishing that they'd run into the monster in the title, rupture their rafts on the broken terracotta & sink before they landed on the beach. But alas...

Despite my desires, they make landfall & the characterization...begins. I guess I shouldn't complain much. The characterization of these automatons pretty much consists of establishing that most of them are hormonally charged, apparently haven't had a drink in about ten minutes &, in the case of our heroes, are mad at each other. Much whoopin' & hollerin' of the typical college frat boy & sorority girl type is made. Here we meet Paul & Connie, who, I guess, are affiliated with the college as some kind of resident advisor sort of thing. Their duties seem to include plying the students with copious amounts of alcohol & littering the island with underwear for a treasure-hunt. (Is this the kind of stuff I missed by not going to college? If so, then I guess I didn't miss much.)

So, the idiots are taken to their campsite on the RA's awesome, X-treme quads (equipped with boom boxes mounted on the front, so we don't miss any of the rockin' beats being laid down by the soundtrack) & start off with a little drinking game. Then they try to answer Mexican history questions. Seriously. Each right answer gets them some bonus underwear (cripes, this is so stupid). The next challenge is the aforementioned underwear treasure-hunt (crumbs, was the writer obsessed with underpants or what?). The dorks are paired up (conveniently, there just happens to be an equal boy to girl ratio) & handcuffed to one another. Gee, do you think this will put them in some kind of peril? Hmm... Everyone takes off, except for Kyle & Tina, who are sitting at the campsite, pouting about having been shackled together.

And, much to my unabated chagrin, the lame 'X-treme' music kicks in again, compounding the pain of watching this mess.

We catch up with sex-crazed stoner, who's cuffed to Lisa. Somehow, SCS got ahold of a key & removes the cuff from Lisa. They celebrate SCS's slyness by busting out a joint & tokin' up. Oh, & they start making out somewhat. Stuff, stuff, stuff... Lisa walks on down to the riverbank & finds...the Piñata! I guess Lisa's major is in ancient Mexican party favors, because she, to my amazement, recognizes it as being a piñata. Up to this point I wasn't even sure she (or any of the other morons in this debacle) could tie her own shoes, much less identify a four hundred year old clay pot. SCS gets a stick & starts whackin' the Piñata, to no avail. They look around & find a rock, which really agitates the Piñata when they start hitting it, so much so that the clay pot becomes animated & takes a stick to SCS's head (Ha! A piñata using a stick on a person; oh, the irony of it all). Lisa freaks out, having just watched her man's head go squish, & books out.

It's here that we get a really good look at just how ridiculous the monster looks. The CGI work in display here is on par with the creature from SS Doomtrooper, & that ain't good, my friends. Cripes, even the bee from the Nasonex commercials is animated better. I realize that these movies are made on an extremely tight budget, but, c'mon… In this case, not only is the monster poorly animated & looks incredibly stupid, but it's confusing, as it has three different forms: one looks like a midget dressed up as a M.U.S.C.L.E. wrestler, the second looks like a really big Minotaur, & the third looks like a monster head with a tail attached to it. And in this mode it can fly. There's really no rhyme or reason to the changes (except for the flying part, which still makes no sense, as the critter has off-screen teleportation abilities); one minute the CGI midget's chasing someone, the next the Minotaur's bashing in someone's skull, & yet a minute later, the flying skull is locked in on someone. The real cherry on top of this cowpie sundae, though, is the Piñata-cam. Apparently, the cyborg from Future War & the Piñata are related, as they both have the same type of blurry, triangular tunnel-vision.

My memories of who was killed when after the initial killing are a little murky. At some point Kyle & Tina finally join in the fun & trek off into the jungle. Village idiot drags his companion to a location where a stash of underwear has been hidden by…I dunno who. Anyway, his head is caved in & his soul is sucked out by the Piñata & the girl, being unfortunately attached to the guy, is dispatched in a similar fashion. We jump to Dumb Jock & his cuffmate who have just finished up some assumed nookie (the movie was edited, remember?). The titular beastie finds them & doles out some punishment on Dumb Jock by handing his nads to him. Literally. A rather inventive, albeit uncomfortable to watch, way to take someone out. His rather non-descript friend also exits the movie.

Doug & Monica, the token black couple, almost get et, as we see them via Piñata-cam, of course. Their time hasn't come yet, so they live. Meanwhile, Kyle & Tina have a heartfelt talk about Tina's alleged indiscretion & end up back together (Aww!). This is where my memories of the movie get really sketchy, as it was really late, I was really tired & I just wanted to see everyone die & end the movie. Lisa makes it back to camp & tells Kyle, Tina & the RA's what happened to SCS. Of course, because she had partaken of a bit of SCS's wacky-tabacky, everyone thinks she's hallucinating. Nobody really wonders why she's spattered with blood, though. Eventually, evidence is discovered to support Lisa's story in the form of one of the other idiot's bodies strung up in a tree. The RA's take off to find the rest of the group & Kyle, Tina & Lisa wait at the camp. Doug & Monica show up & scare the crap out of everyone by rustling the bushes. After they've been sternly chastised, it's explained that one of their chums was found dead. It's decided that they can't just sit there & wait around. Lisa's still freaked out & is reeeeally against the idea, but rather than sticking around the camp by herself & getting eaten now (oops, there goes the surprise), she reluctantly goes along.

Back over to the RA's, as they're tooling about the jungle on their awesome, X-treme quads, complete with all sorts of ground level jumping action shots & whatnot. Finally (Finally!), the Piñata catches up with them. Of course, Connie dumps her quad (someone had to), which, as per some sort of union rule, explodes upon hitting a log. The Piñata catches up to Paul & he's soon a Piñata snack. Connie gimps off with the monster in hot pursuit. For some reason, she decides that rather than quickly sliding down a not-really-all-that-steep slope it'd be better to try to slowly walk down a fallen tree instead. Just as the critter is about to get her, she falls off the log &, surprise, slides down the hill. Moron. The Piñata either can't see her or is full from eating Paul or just lost interest. I know that by this time I had.

The other survivors are bumbling around the jungle. Doug says that he has a rock in his shoe & needs to stop to take it out. He also insists that everyone else keep going & he'll catch up. After some debate (& another Piñata-cam view), the other four trudge on, leaving Doug to his imminent doom remove the pebble from his shoe. Apparently, my earlier supposition that none of these people could even tie their own shoes was correct, as it takes Doug five minutes to get the rock out of his shoe & put it back on. The Piñata decides to make its move & lowers a vine down from a tree, catching him in its noose & dragging him up into the branches for a soulectomy.

As an aside, I noticed that the monster evidentially came equipped with a stealth module & a soundwave neutralizer, as, although the thing is made out of clay & ranges in size from a head to the Incredible Hulk, nobody ever hears it. It stalks people, runs through the jungle, roars(?!) & climbs what are apparently very strong trees, & nobody ever notices it until it's beating their head in with a stick.

OK, back to the story…sigh.

Kyle finally realizes that it was a bonehead idea to leave Doug behind (& this guy's in college?) & determines that they should go back to find him. They get back to where Doug had been left, only to find nothing. Of course, none of them ever bother to look up or hear him gasping for breath or the monster growling (see previous comment re: stealth).

Lisa begins to lose her tenuous grasp on her sanity & starts babbling about how they should go back to the camp, that no one had been attacked there & that they'd be safer there. And you know what? She's right, to an extent. I mean, I don't know why the Piñata hadn't attacked there yet, but they had been safe there. Anyway, Kyle & Tina think it's a bad idea, but Monica decides that Lisa's idea is sounding pretty reasonable. So, they head back.

Along the way, Lisa tells Monica that nature's calling. I would've thought that, given the trauma she's already been through, she would've…um…already taken care of business against her will, if you catch my meaning.

Y'know, I'm writing this & realizing that it just keeps getting dumber & dumber.

Sigh…needless to say, this little emission intermission gives the walking flowerpot enough time to gain on the women, taking out Monica. Lisa finally loses all her marbles & runs back to the camp. She hears something moving in one of the tents & foolishly moves in to investigate. Exit Lisa. Now, what I want to know is how the Piñata got from where he'd just et Monica, to the campsite & into the tent before Lisa. I know it has the same off screen teleportation abilities that all movie monsters have, but, c'mon! It's now smart enough to plan an ambush? How'd it know that Lisa was heading back to the camp? It's a friggin' Chia Pet, fer cryin' out loud!

Alright *sigh*, back to Kyle & Tina. Their still traipsing around the jungle when they hear something. They assume the worst, but, oh ho! it turns out to be Connie. It seems her little tumble down the hill saved her from being Piñata kibble. She's a little gimpy, but still alive. The trio makes back for the beach to get off the island. Upon getting there, they find out that the rafts have been deflated.

So, the Piñata knew what the rafts were for? A four hundred year old piece of pottery, with a pig's heart & the sins of a small village, is now not only a master of ambush, but of sabotage as well?

ARRRRGH!!! Stupid movie, keeping me awake, making my head hurt…

I honestly dozed off for a few minutes after the last scene, but I don't think I missed anything. When I came to, I saw that Tina was making Molotov cocktails (hey, there was plenty of alcohol around - why not?), which they all throw at the monster. It was here that I learned that terracotta is combustible, for the Piñata explodes after one of the makeshift incendiary devices is thrown at it. And that's pretty much the end of the Piñata. A short time later, a rescue team shows up (I don't know how they knew to come; must've happened while I dozed) &…that's it. The movie just…ends.

Which is not necessarily a bad thing, come to think of it.

So, what'd you really think?

Wow, this movie sucked. I don't know what all they cut out to make the version I saw, but I honestly don't think any amount of boobs or butts they took out could've made this cinematic steaming pile any better. And the music? Ugh! It literally assaults your ears. This was one of the most unpleasant scores that I've ever heard. All I can figure is that the producer had a talentless hack of a musician brother who had a band & insisted that he write & perform the music.

The one thing the movie had going for it, & I will give it credit where credit is due, is that it moved along pretty fast. While I could've done without the Coors Light opening & the pathetic efforts at characterization, the makers of this mess did get to the action (such as it was) pretty quickly. On the other side of the coin, the fact that the whole plot was one big, regurgitated, paint by numbers bore kinda takes away from any kudos that could possibly be heaped upon the movie.

I've developed a rating system to go along with the movies I review. Here's a breakdown & explanation of how the scoring works, using a scale of 1 to 5:

Plot: .5 Was it original? Did it tread any new ground or offer up a new spin on an old idea?

Acting: 3 Even cheesy movies can have fairly competent acting.

Special Effects: 1 Even cheesy movies can have competent F/X; but, sometimes seeing strings holding up a flying saucer or noticing the zipper on the back of a monster costume adds an endearing quality to a movie. Seriously bad CGI work though? Not so much.

Score: 1 I don't always pay too much attention to the score in a movie, but sometimes the movie won't let you not hear it.

Entertainment Value: 3 Was it fun? Would I watch it again? Would I purchase the movie at some point? Or would I be too embarrassed to show this even to my B-Movie watching friends?

Pinata: Survival Island: 1.7 Chia Pets out of 5

Ratatouille

Hey, here's something I haven't done in awhile...

No, not updating my site. Shut up.

I mean a review of a recently viewed, currently-in-the-theatre movie. In this case, the latest offering from our friends at Pixar, Ratatouille.

In my usual fashion, I'll start with the couple trailers that I can remember off the top of my head.

First up - Underdog, yet another in a long line of bad ideas from the bottom of the barrel. And I don't say that because of the subject material, but rather the ill-advised (& repeated) attempt by Hollywood to take 10 minute cartoons & make them into 90+ minute live-action features. *sigh* Did they learn nothing from the Garfield train wrecks? Anyway, the one thing this one's got going for it is that Underdog is voiced by Jason Lee, who could read the ingredients on a Twinkie wrapper & have me rolling all over the floor.

The only other trailer that I can remember (I lapsed into my happy place after this one...Wee!) is for a movie that looks so horrible, so awful, so incredibly stupid that words simply fail me in describing how truly terrible this movie will be (I've got to get a bigger thesaurus), except to say that this is the first time a movie preview has ever driven me to contemplate suicide - Ladies & Gentlemen, I present to you Bratz. Yes, a movie about spoiled, self-absorbed, empty-headed, hydrocephalic dolls.

Oh. My. Word. This movie alone makes me so glad that The Boy is both too old & the opposite gender than that of the target audience. In what I can only assume was an attempt to keep parents from throwing themselves over the railing of the front row of the upper level seats, plummeting to their deaths (or at least into blessed, semi-unconsciousness) 4 feet below in an effort to escape this cinematic crap pile, the makers of the trailer tried to pummel the audience into submission with a flurry of "OMG!" lefts, "BFF!" rights & a few "squealing girl" uppercuts before showing the title.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Satan.

Seriously, if I would've had a razor in my pocket, I wouldn't be here writing this. Are there really children in the world that are as vapid & braindead as the characters that assaulted my eyes & ears on that fateful evening? Please, for the love of all that's good & holy, sterilize them! Do not let them into the genepool!

Hey, reliving that little bit of trauma shook loose the memory of another trailer for a Pixar movie coming out next year that looks really good about a robot that gains sentiency that's called...URG!!! I can't remember it now!

Curse you, Bratz! CUUUURSE YOOOOOOOU!!!

Anyway, the memories of screaming 'tweens juming up & down to horrid faux-rock music were soon put to rest (until I started writing this - see what I do for you people?) when the short before our feature presentation began - a little gem called Lifted, about an alien abductor-trainee, his demanding instructor & a million buttons. I can't remember the last time that I laughed so hard in a theatre. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack as I started getting shooting pains in my left arm. I would've gone out on a high note if I'd keeled over right there. In fact, this may have backfired on Ratatouille, as the laugh bar was raised almost out of reach.

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past year, you all know the premise of the movie, so I think I'll skip going into great detail about it. Suffice it to say, this wasn't one of my favorite Pixar flicks, ranking above A Bug's Life, which is on the low end of the rating spectrum. That's not to say that it's an awful movie (neither was A Bug's Life,, really). A sub-par Pixar movie is far, far superior to crap like Hoodwinked or Happily n' Everafter or Shark Tale (man, I hate that one).

The animation, as usual, is incredible. I swear, every movie that Pixar puts out amazes me (visually) a hundred times more than the last. The fur on the rats (as well as the hair on the humans), both wet & dry, looks realistic. The cityscapes & backgrounds are breathtaking. Little details, like rusty old sewer pipes & the wood splinters in the joists of a house after they've been peppered by a shotgun & even the old, black & white television show clips seen in the early parts of the movie, flesh out the world into which we're peering into. Ratatouille is a visual feast. And any movie that can make a character voiced by Janene Garaffalo look good is working some serious CGI magic.

So, if it's such a visually stunning work, what's the problem then?

Well, as we all know, watching a movie is only half the experience. You've got to have an engrossing story & engaging characters that you actually care about. This is Ratatouille's shortcoming. Remy (Patton Oswalt), the long tailed star of the movie, is a little...well...boring. You get it that he's a rodent with a refined palette. You get it that he'd rather starve than eat another piece of rubbish. But, we have no background on him, really, other than that he's his nest's poison tester due to his sensitive sniffer. And he can read. And understand French & English. How did he get that way, though? Is he a mutant? Did he escape from NIMH? We don't know. It's never explained

The other problem is Remy's human puppet, Linguini, voiced by Lou Romano (the poor-man's Ray Romano); he's even more boring than Remy. Romano's voice is one of those that's okay in small doses, but in 110 minute batches, it gets a little grating. I just wanted him to shut up & do something - anything - other than talk & whine.

The primary antagonist, Skinner (Ian Holm), is hysterical to watch, as he's about 3 feet tall (& if you've read anything I've written, you know that midgets make me smile). Many a time, all that's seen of him is his toque cruising by people at bellybutton level. He's a little man with a major Napoleon complex & it's milked for all of its comedic worth.

The peripheral characters are all more interesting than the main players, though. (I'd love to see a back story on Skinner's second-in-command, a man with a shadowy past who apparently killed someone - using only his thumbs) The supporting cast (the rats, the rest of the kitchen staff, Antono Ego (Peter O'Toole), the sadistic restaurant reviewer), much like the little visual touches throughout the movie, add a lot of flavor*, picking up some of the slack left by Linguini & Remy.

(*I just noticed the abundance of food related words/phrases that I've used in this review. I promise, it wasn't intentional. Hey, at least I haven't resorted to using any 'salty' language!)

(Sorry. That was bad.)

So, what'd you really think?

As I said before, a so-so Pixar offering is better than most of the other CGI junk out there. Ratatouille isn't a bad movie by a longshot. In fact, just for the chance to laugh myself retarded watching Lifted over & over, it'll probably find its way into my video shelf. All in all, though, it's just kind of like watching a cooking show - you've just seen something incredible & that you know you'd never be able to make.

And you're still hungry.

3.5 out of 5

Abominable

AKA 'When Wookiees Attack'

El Note from El Hombre: If this review looks familiar, well...that's because it is. Well, it is if you are one of the three Loyal readers of my other site. I recycled this review in large part to have something to work with here,but also because, even though I have a few reviews in various stages of completion, dial up's a pain in the butt & I didn't have anything else ready at the moment.

Bear with me, 'kay? I'll try to make future posts worth your while.

So rarely is the title of a movie so dead on accurate. 'Abominable' hits the bullseye. I didn't think it was possible to have worse acting than 'SS Doomtrooper', but this movie managed to plumb even lower depths than the latter could ever dream of. The film looks like it was made by someone who had a Wookiee suit from 'Star Wars', a collection of scripts from previous horror/monster flicks, $37.42 for the budget & a membership at a Thousand Trails campground.

The basic jist of the movie is that a killer Wook...er 'yeti' (not 'sasquatch') is attacking & eating people in a remote mountain retreat (is there any other kind?). Apparently, yetis are more violent than sasquatch. Also, there's already been a movie called 'Sasquatch' & it would've been kinda hard to get Nessie up into the mountains, so I guess the monster had to be a yeti. How a yeti, a creature said to be found in the Himalayas, ended up in the forests of North America, well you got me there.

You ask how I would know that a yeti is more aggressive than a sasquatch? Well, this is kindly exposited by none other than Lance Henriksen, who is summarily eaten a little bit later. I'm guessing that a lot of the $37.50 budget (& probably a free weekend pass to stay at the campsite) went to paying for such a big name actor.

Our hero, Preston Rogers, a parapalegic, is at the retreat for some R&R, accompanied by his nurse/assistant/resident creep Otis (based on his creepiness & his enormous 70's pornstar 'stache, I figured he'd exit the movie in a particularly gruesome manner while perpetrating some bit of nastiness on the heroine of the flick - I was half right & genuinely surprised). Preston lost the use of his lower extremities after a fall six months ago from Suicide Rock (gee, that took a lot of thought to name - good job, scriptmonkey!) that also resulted in the death of his wife. He seems to have adapted pretty well to paralysis/widowerhood after only six months. Honestly, Matt McCoy, the actor playing Preston, doesn't look like he's climbed anything more than a barstool at the wrap party for this flick, but, not being much of a climber myself, what do I know? Anyway, in what looks to be a rip-off...uh, homage to 'Rear Window', Preston watches the goings on outside via a pair of magic binoculars. 'Magic' in that wherever the binoculars are pointed, the user can also hear what's going on. It's truly amazing to see him look through his closed window & through the closed window of the cabin that's a good fifty feet away & hear everything that's being said in the cabin. I so want a pair of those.

Anyway, Peepin' Preston sees the titular menace lurking about & tries to contact the local sheriff's office via email (?), telling them that there's a monster outside, apparently known to locals as the 'Flatwoods Monster'. The dead-by-the-end-of-the-movie sheriff (oops, hope I didn't blow anything for you) thinks it's a hoax & refuses to send anyone out to investigate, despite the protests of the designated good hearted deputy/eventual yeti chewtoy (hope I didn't spoil that one for you, either). They reply to Preston, telling him that they don't respond to pranks & to quit sending them messages (that's some police department they have there). The sheriff does relent & tell the good hearted deputy that when the phone lines are back up, they'll call out & make sure everything's alright. This despite the fact that the place is, as noted in the movie, only twenty-five minutes away. I may have missed it, but I think, judging by the fact that the sheriff recognizes Preston's name, that there's some history between the two.

In the cabin across the lot, a group of college-aged girls (obligatory shower girl [OSG], designated drunk/coward [DDC], non-descript red shirt [NDRS] & our heroine [Amanda (Haley Joel) - she's the only one whose name I caught] are freaking out after one of their comrades (designated initial yetichow) goes missing. Through both Preston's magic binoculars & the amazing yeticam (let me just say that I don't think they spent much of the extravagant budget on that effect; if we are to believe the movie, yetis have very poor nightvision, which results in tunnelvision), we can see that the yeti is about to take another one of the ladies out for dinner, if you know what I mean. Preston starts flashing the lights off in his cabin to distract the monster, causing the ladies to briefly forget about their missing friend & note that Preston has been watching them from his window. Thoroughly skeeved out at that, they return to their quarters.

Before going back in, though, they all remember that, 'oh yeah, our friend's missing' & OSG & DDC start arguing about whether to go trapsing around in the forest at night looking for their missing chum or to just stay in the safety of the cabin. DDC is gunning for staying in the cabin, which makes sense, but, because she's the designated coward of the flick, it just makes her look, well, cowardly. In keeping with her designation as the resident drunk, she's always seen walking around with a margarita glass in her hand. In addition to affirming her DDC credentials, this prop also gives the scriptmonkey a reason for OSG to get nekkid & fullfill the obligatory shower scene, as DDC flings her drink on OSG, dousing her in crushed ice & rum. This, & DDC later going in to the living room & cranking up the radio, also shows us the true power of the magic binoculars, as we hear every word of the exchage between the women & the crappy rap being pumped through what was obviously the boombox from the director's room in the basement of his mother's house.

Preston watches as OSG takes it all off in preparation for her obligatory shower scene. He then sees the yeti just outside the bathroom window. Preston calls Otis over to see the monster &, of course, Otis instead watches OSG, solidifying his creepiness standing. He hands the magic binoculars back to Preston & walks off, just in time for the monster to grab a mannequin of OSG & pull her through the balsawood & cellophane bathroom window, folding her in half (backwards!) along the way. DDC, NDRS & Amanda start banging on the bathroom door for some reason (this is a horror movie - they obviously wouldn't have heard the monster roaring, OSG screaming or the breaking of balsawood & the ripping of cellophane). DDC walks outside to look into the bathroom & discovers the remodeling job that the yeti did.

Preston starts yelling for Otis & babbling about the monster, prompting Otis to ready a hypodermic with a sedative. Being a brilliant strategist, Otis places the uncapped syringe in his breast pocket. Soon a scuffle ensues & Preston manages to get the needle from Otis' pocket & drives it into his neck, dropping Otis in like five seconds. (Good thing the scriptmonkey thought to have Otis take the cap off or Preston would be snoozing instead). Preston returns to the window just in time to have the yeti give us one of the many lame jumper scenes that fill this movie, looking in the window, face to face with Preston (why didn't it reach through the wall & pull Preston out? Because he's the hero of course! He has certain immunities, donchaknow!). Making this scene even more laughable is the fact that the yeti looks like a cross between Chewbacca & Marty Feldman. It's really hard to be frightened by something when you're too busy laughing at it. Anyway, he flies backward & topples his wheelchair, knocking himself out.

Preston wakes up some time later (a clock shows it to be about 445a, but as I didn't know what time it was when he was knocked out, I have no idea how long he was out). He makes his way back to the window in time to see the monster prowling around outside. He tries screaming to them (which, for some reason doesn't draw the attention of the yeti), but the girls can't hear him because the music's still cranked. For some reason (I missed the first few minutes of the flick, so it may have been explained there; while it would be keeping in the tradition of crappy movies to neglect such details, it would still be pretty lame if it wasn't explained) he has an email address for one of them & pings them, saying to turn the music down so that they can hear (it's later explained that while the land lines are down, the internet connection is supplied via satellite). Amanda pokes her head out & he asks if she can call out on her cell. Naturally, she can't get a signal.

Then, when we *yawn* least expect it, ths monster barges into the house. Amanda bolts back into the cabin & all of the girls look for places to hide. NDRS, being outta luck in the hiding department, stands on the floor directly above the yeti. Preston tries to tell her not to move, but alas, it's for naught. The yeti reaches through the floor, pulls NDRS through & takes a big chomp out of her neck. Exit NDRS.

Amanda seeks safety behind the sofa while the yeti looks around the room for her (they can tell where someone's standing above them through a floor, but can't smell someone in the same room? Add poor sense of smell to the list of yeti shortcomings.). She manages to get by him unnoticed & then DDC enters the room & screams. Gee, with friends like these... Things get a little fuzzy here (it was a long weekend & I'd already burned out my suspension of disbelief abilities the previous night watching Pinata: Survival Island). I think Amanda manages to get into a closet while DDC runs outside to their Jeep. Of course, she doesn't have the keys with her. The yeti starts shaking the car back & forth & DDC gets out, trying to run away. Not suprisingly, the monster is soon on top of her. DDC then sprays something...I don't know, perfume; hairspray; DEET...in the yeti's face. This, of course, only serves to aggravate the monster, who responds to her aerosol assault by stepping on her midsection, causing her to squirt like a raspberry jelly-filled doughnut. Exit DDC.

Amanda sneaks out & Preston signals for her to run over to his place. Understandibly freaked, she asks Preston why the monster is attacking them. He replies that animals only attack for two reasons (uh, only two? I can think of a few more): they're hungry or they're territory is being threatened, &, in an attempt by the scriptmonkey at 'wit', he adds "Obviously, it's not hungry." Yeah, you'd think after chowing down on her four friends, he'd probably be full. He also makes the mistake of thinking that they're smarter than the monster.

With Otis still laying on the floor with a hypodermic sticking out of his neck, the two start setting a trap at the front door. I'm taking it that the cabins are part of some sort of timeshare or something, as Preston still has all of his climbing equipment stashed in the linen closet. And a big friggin' axe (I kept expecting him to pull out a fire extinguisher & a flaregun - he would've been unstoppable with those). He tells Amanda to email the police again, but not to mention the word 'monster' this time. She instead tells them that a psycho killer is attacking them. Just as she's about to his send, the power goes out. She freaks & asks what happened. Preston notes that the beastie must've cut the power, admitting that it must be smarter than they thought (& an electrician, to boot). Isn't it amazing how, be it a monster or some backwoods tribe that has barely mastered fire & has no idea what electricity even is, always know how to cut the power?

Anyway, Preston rigs up his climbing gear for both he & Amanda to use to escape the cabin (it's built on stilts or on a slope or something & they have to repel off the patio). He lowers himself down to the ground first. Amanda then hooks herself up & starts her way on down. Much to no one's surprise, the yeti breaks into the house. It makes its way to the railing & starts pulling Amanda back up. I don't know how the climbing rigging worked exactly, but for some reason, Preston is unable to pull her back down & Amanda is unable to release the her harness from the rope. The yeti grabs ahold of Amanda & just when we think that, gee, she might be eaten, Otis shows up with the big friggin' axe.

Honest & for true, this did surprise me. Given what an obvious bottomfeeder he was portrayed as at the beginning, I assumed that he'd meet his ultimately gruesome fate while trying to force himself on Amanda or something to that affect. I'll give the movie credit for this as it's one of the only genuine attempts at trying something other than the norm when it comes to monster movies.

OK, so Otis buries the big friggin' axe in the back of the Wookiee suit, I mean, the back of the yeti. For all of his efforts, he's repaid by having the whole front of his head bitten off. Now, I did not know this, because Lance Henriksen never mentioned this, but yetis can evidently unhinge their lower jaw, as Otis' head was far to big to fit in the gaping maw of the yeti otherwise. Basically, the monster stuck its mandible into Otis' mouth, its maxilla over the top of his head & bit down like it was an apple. While OSG's boobs & butt were blurred out, what's left of Otis's head is lovingly shown in close-up, all while he convulses on the floor. Thank you, FCC, for protecting me from the evils of the showering nekkid female body, but for allowing network TV to provide me with a detailed examination of what happens when monsters eat peoples heads. I am truly in your debt.

Once Otis introduces the big friggin' axe to the back of the yeti, it lets go of the rope holding Amanda, letting her drop about twenty feet to to ground. Now, either she swung out enough so as not to fall on top of Preston or he moved, because she was right over him before she was yanked back up. She should've fallen smack down on top of Preston. Having survived the fall & probably having the wind knocked out of her, Amanda now has to drag Preston over to his car. They make it into the car & ratchet up the *snore* tension when they can't find the keys, only to have Preston remember that they're up in the visor. Whew. That was close, boy howdy. To no ones surprise, the monster, big friggin' axe still firmly embedded in its back, lifts up the back of the car as the dup try to drive off. The yeti then drops the car, which then careens into a tree, sending Amanda through the windshield. Preston, slightly shaken, sees the creature coming to chew on Amanda. He pops the car into reverse, floors the gas pedal with his hand & plows the car into the yeti, pinning it against a tree. When the yeti hits the tree, the big friggin' axe is pushed all the way through the front of its chest (did you know yetis squirt? Neither did I). Preston jams the pedal down with his shoe & drags himself over to the prone & bloodied Amanda. (In another nice touch, you can see McCoy move his legs a little as he drags himself from the car) He makes his way to her &, surprise!, she's not dead. This despite her having gone through the windshield face-first.

Now, I don't know how many of you have seen a windshield after someones head has been slammed into it. For those of you that haven't had the pleasure, let me give you a little info on what happens. The glass in a windshield is designed to keep people from flying through it & being ripped to shreds. It's made to break into little pieces &, for the most part, stay in one, shattered piece. (The windshield in the car that I rolled was laying on the ground like a big glass blanket. The few pieces that I did get hit by were from the side window, which is not made to stay together when it's broken.) For a body to be sent flying through safety glass, one - they'd have to be going mighty fast & hit an object mighty hard, & two - they probably wouldn't survive the trip. If the glass doesn't rip you to ribbons, the impact would probably break your neck.

Needless to say, Amanda not only survived the impact & she also only has a gash across her forehead & copious amounts of stage blood covering her face. And she's conscious & able to drag Preston some more. To my absolute, complete unamazement, the police finally show up, just in the nick o' time. We cut to the two protagonists being loaded into a couple of ambulances. It's here where we find out that Amanda is related to the X-Man Wolverine, as the gash that earlier went from the middle of her hairline down to around her ear is now a neat little two inch cut & all of the blood has been entirely wiped clear of her face. Wow, that's some job you did there, Mr. Continuity Manager! Kudos to you, sir!

The police, which include the sheriff, the good hearted deputy, an odious comic relief deputy from earlier & a non-descript red shirt deputy, go looking for the bodies that Preston said were literally littering the campsite. None are found, of course. The fuzz find Preston's car, still backed up against the tree, but, BUM, BUM, BUUUUM!!!, the yeti is nowhere to be found. Thanks again, scriptmonkey, for that original twist. Just how many bananas did you earn for writing this? Geez...

So, the police gather 'round, noting that nothing has been found, which prompts the sheriff to say that there probably was never anything to begin with yadda, yadda, when they hear a noise in the brush & turn to see...a bunch of red CGI eyes looking back at them. Exit the police department.

And, fade to black...

Thank you, Lord!

(Credit where credit's due - I was again genuinely surprised to see that the good hearted deputy apparently became yetichow along with the putz of a sheriff. So that's two - two! - twists in the entire movie. Two times that the scriptmonkey dared deviate from the formula. His trainer must've walked away for a second & he slipped it into the script.)

So, what'd you really think?

Well, it seems SciFi has done it again. Yet another in a long line of really crappy movies, although this is the first one in a long time that didn't star John Rhyes-Davies or Casper Van Dien, so I guess it shows that the network is branching out & offering other starving actors some jobs. Either that or Rhyes-Davies & Van Dien are busy making sequels to other such DTV crapfests as Chupacabra or SS Doomtrooper.

This movie was so by the numbers that it was almost painful to watch. You knew what was going to happen, when it was going to happen & to whom it was going to happen. Given the caliber of movie that this is, it's not entirely surprising that there would be a certain amount of reliance on the old horror formulas, but, cripes, I felt like I'd seen this movie a half dozen other times, only with different antagonists & actors (in most cases). It's become a game for me to see how many future victims I can identify early on in a movie.

I read somewhere that it seems that the victims in horror/monster movies always seem to commit one or more of the seven deadly sins & that the psycho/cryptozooilogical beastie/rabid koala/killer azaelea are actually dishing out payback for their iniquities. As I watched this movie & Pinata the night before (I actually quit watching that one just before it was finished because a) it was almost 2a & b) it was about as predictable as this movie), I noticed that just about everyone who got munched on was either a coward, a drunk, was naked at one point (& not necessarily doing the wild thing) or was just plain mean (in Pinata there was one black man & woman that got et [even though I really didn't see that they'd committed any particular deadly sin], which seems to be part of the formula, as well). Is this actually how they write these things? Do they use this outline to flesh out the plot? Or is this just some logirithim used by some scriptwriting program?

Well, you got me.

Abominable - 2 Stars out of 5