Sunday, November 11, 2007

Piñata: Survival Island



Wow, the things I endure so that you, Loyal Readers, don't have to.

I've subjected myself to some pretty bad movies over the years (I just recently watched Battlefield Earth; any review that I could write would pale in comparison to the one found at Jabootu, though). Some are good - fun even: The Brainiac, Plan 9 From Outer Space, Robot Monster. Others...well...words fail to describe how painfully bad some are. Some of them weren't even meant to be bad, I'm assuming. I reckon that when Sarah Michelle Gellar signed on for Simply Irresistible, she wasn't intending to make one of the worst movies that I've ever attempted to sit through (twice now, both times unsuccessful - hey, I'm only human, people). Maybe she opted to make the movie around the same time her brain turned to pudding & she decided to marry Freddie Prinz, Jr.

Then you have our subject of today's article, Piñata: Survival Island, a movie that I'm sure featured star Jamie Pressly intentionally leaves off of her resume. The problem with this movie, though, lies not in the acting skills of Ms. Pressly or most of the rest of the cast. No, the biggest problem this flick has against it is that it's boring. And I don't mean boring in the lack of action way (although, from what I gleaned from IMDb, there's surprisingly no 'action', if you catch my meaning). That's usually one of the only reasons for these movies to exist. (I thought that the editing job done by AMC was due to copious amounts of nudidity; turns out, they edited the movie due in part to language, but also to fit in their timeslot, which had the added effect of shortening my torture - & for that I am forever grateful, AMC!) The movie's boring because it's so paint by numbers, which seems to be a common complaint of mine with films of this caliber. Everyone has a particular niche to fill: jock, sex-crazed pothead, witch, drunk, village idiot, etc. I noted in my review for Abominable (which, in comparison to Piñata, is Citizen Kane) how all of the people who get whacked in these things are usually personifications of the Seven Deadly Sins (although Gluttony, of the eating variety, is almost always absent for some reason). This movie is no exception: Lust - sex-crazed pothead Larry & Lisa & dumb jock Jake & Carmen; Gluttony (excessive drinking) - everyone; Greed - village idiot Larry; Sloth - the makers of this piece of crap, or in the context of not wanting to act or cowardice, Lisa again (but justifiably so); Wrath (more like pouting) - the heroes of our movie, Kyle (Nicolas Brendon, of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame) & Tina (Pressly's character), who were an item until Kyle thought Tina was messing around on him, which turned out to be a misunderstanding, which they worked out, which is why they survive to see the credits (oops, hope I didn't spoil anything for you); Envy - me, envious of anybody else watching anything else; & Pride - Julie. The only two that really don't do anything too bad are Doug & Monica, the token black couple (OK, they drank a little), & Paul (Garrett Wang, Ensign Harry Kim on Star Trek: Voyager; geez, Garrett, did you need money to pay the rent or something?) & Connie, the island's caretakers/resident advisors. And three of them still get eaten!

OK, I guess I've stalled long enough. On to the movie itself.

We start off with what is seriously the longest into since The Braniac's Inquisition read-a-thon. It seems that some time ago, a prosperous little Indian village in Central America was cursed. The village shaman figured the best way to rid his people of their affliction was to make two piñatas (unfortunately, not the candy filled, crepe paper covered kind, but rather made of terracotta). One was made, complete with a fresh, still beating (natch) pigs heart, to absorb the sins of the people & another was made to bring happiness & stability back. This is accomplished by standing in front of the ugly, pig-hearted piñata & having all of one's iniquities sucked out of oneself, then going to the much nicer piñata &, um...not really doing much (well, it worked for them). They then take turns smacking the good piñata (that's gratitude for you), setting the stage for the bulk of the clips sent in to America's Funniest Home Videos. The bad, ugly, pig-hearted, sin-filled piñata is set adrift in the ocean, taking with it all of the troubles of the tribe, who probably ended up on the losing end of the Conquistador invasion anyway.

We cut to the present, where we catch two rubber rafts skipping across the waves, full of Piñata-chow students from some local college (located on an island in what looks to be the Caribbean?). All aboard are acting like they're in a Coors Light commercial: girls in bikinis, everyone squirting each other with super-soakers & lobbing water balloons. Being blared over the festivities is some of the most obnoxious, generic 'X-treme' rock music ever committed to batter my ears (great...fifteen seconds into the movie & I'm already filled with a strange mix of dread & rage. Never a good sign.). This goes on for an interminable length. I found myself wishing that they'd run into the monster in the title, rupture their rafts on the broken terracotta & sink before they landed on the beach. But alas...

Despite my desires, they make landfall & the characterization...begins. I guess I shouldn't complain much. The characterization of these automatons pretty much consists of establishing that most of them are hormonally charged, apparently haven't had a drink in about ten minutes &, in the case of our heroes, are mad at each other. Much whoopin' & hollerin' of the typical college frat boy & sorority girl type is made. Here we meet Paul & Connie, who, I guess, are affiliated with the college as some kind of resident advisor sort of thing. Their duties seem to include plying the students with copious amounts of alcohol & littering the island with underwear for a treasure-hunt. (Is this the kind of stuff I missed by not going to college? If so, then I guess I didn't miss much.)

So, the idiots are taken to their campsite on the RA's awesome, X-treme quads (equipped with boom boxes mounted on the front, so we don't miss any of the rockin' beats being laid down by the soundtrack) & start off with a little drinking game. Then they try to answer Mexican history questions. Seriously. Each right answer gets them some bonus underwear (cripes, this is so stupid). The next challenge is the aforementioned underwear treasure-hunt (crumbs, was the writer obsessed with underpants or what?). The dorks are paired up (conveniently, there just happens to be an equal boy to girl ratio) & handcuffed to one another. Gee, do you think this will put them in some kind of peril? Hmm... Everyone takes off, except for Kyle & Tina, who are sitting at the campsite, pouting about having been shackled together.

And, much to my unabated chagrin, the lame 'X-treme' music kicks in again, compounding the pain of watching this mess.

We catch up with sex-crazed stoner, who's cuffed to Lisa. Somehow, SCS got ahold of a key & removes the cuff from Lisa. They celebrate SCS's slyness by busting out a joint & tokin' up. Oh, & they start making out somewhat. Stuff, stuff, stuff... Lisa walks on down to the riverbank & finds...the Piñata! I guess Lisa's major is in ancient Mexican party favors, because she, to my amazement, recognizes it as being a piñata. Up to this point I wasn't even sure she (or any of the other morons in this debacle) could tie her own shoes, much less identify a four hundred year old clay pot. SCS gets a stick & starts whackin' the Piñata, to no avail. They look around & find a rock, which really agitates the Piñata when they start hitting it, so much so that the clay pot becomes animated & takes a stick to SCS's head (Ha! A piñata using a stick on a person; oh, the irony of it all). Lisa freaks out, having just watched her man's head go squish, & books out.

It's here that we get a really good look at just how ridiculous the monster looks. The CGI work in display here is on par with the creature from SS Doomtrooper, & that ain't good, my friends. Cripes, even the bee from the Nasonex commercials is animated better. I realize that these movies are made on an extremely tight budget, but, c'mon… In this case, not only is the monster poorly animated & looks incredibly stupid, but it's confusing, as it has three different forms: one looks like a midget dressed up as a M.U.S.C.L.E. wrestler, the second looks like a really big Minotaur, & the third looks like a monster head with a tail attached to it. And in this mode it can fly. There's really no rhyme or reason to the changes (except for the flying part, which still makes no sense, as the critter has off-screen teleportation abilities); one minute the CGI midget's chasing someone, the next the Minotaur's bashing in someone's skull, & yet a minute later, the flying skull is locked in on someone. The real cherry on top of this cowpie sundae, though, is the Piñata-cam. Apparently, the cyborg from Future War & the Piñata are related, as they both have the same type of blurry, triangular tunnel-vision.

My memories of who was killed when after the initial killing are a little murky. At some point Kyle & Tina finally join in the fun & trek off into the jungle. Village idiot drags his companion to a location where a stash of underwear has been hidden by…I dunno who. Anyway, his head is caved in & his soul is sucked out by the Piñata & the girl, being unfortunately attached to the guy, is dispatched in a similar fashion. We jump to Dumb Jock & his cuffmate who have just finished up some assumed nookie (the movie was edited, remember?). The titular beastie finds them & doles out some punishment on Dumb Jock by handing his nads to him. Literally. A rather inventive, albeit uncomfortable to watch, way to take someone out. His rather non-descript friend also exits the movie.

Doug & Monica, the token black couple, almost get et, as we see them via Piñata-cam, of course. Their time hasn't come yet, so they live. Meanwhile, Kyle & Tina have a heartfelt talk about Tina's alleged indiscretion & end up back together (Aww!). This is where my memories of the movie get really sketchy, as it was really late, I was really tired & I just wanted to see everyone die & end the movie. Lisa makes it back to camp & tells Kyle, Tina & the RA's what happened to SCS. Of course, because she had partaken of a bit of SCS's wacky-tabacky, everyone thinks she's hallucinating. Nobody really wonders why she's spattered with blood, though. Eventually, evidence is discovered to support Lisa's story in the form of one of the other idiot's bodies strung up in a tree. The RA's take off to find the rest of the group & Kyle, Tina & Lisa wait at the camp. Doug & Monica show up & scare the crap out of everyone by rustling the bushes. After they've been sternly chastised, it's explained that one of their chums was found dead. It's decided that they can't just sit there & wait around. Lisa's still freaked out & is reeeeally against the idea, but rather than sticking around the camp by herself & getting eaten now (oops, there goes the surprise), she reluctantly goes along.

Back over to the RA's, as they're tooling about the jungle on their awesome, X-treme quads, complete with all sorts of ground level jumping action shots & whatnot. Finally (Finally!), the Piñata catches up with them. Of course, Connie dumps her quad (someone had to), which, as per some sort of union rule, explodes upon hitting a log. The Piñata catches up to Paul & he's soon a Piñata snack. Connie gimps off with the monster in hot pursuit. For some reason, she decides that rather than quickly sliding down a not-really-all-that-steep slope it'd be better to try to slowly walk down a fallen tree instead. Just as the critter is about to get her, she falls off the log &, surprise, slides down the hill. Moron. The Piñata either can't see her or is full from eating Paul or just lost interest. I know that by this time I had.

The other survivors are bumbling around the jungle. Doug says that he has a rock in his shoe & needs to stop to take it out. He also insists that everyone else keep going & he'll catch up. After some debate (& another Piñata-cam view), the other four trudge on, leaving Doug to his imminent doom remove the pebble from his shoe. Apparently, my earlier supposition that none of these people could even tie their own shoes was correct, as it takes Doug five minutes to get the rock out of his shoe & put it back on. The Piñata decides to make its move & lowers a vine down from a tree, catching him in its noose & dragging him up into the branches for a soulectomy.

As an aside, I noticed that the monster evidentially came equipped with a stealth module & a soundwave neutralizer, as, although the thing is made out of clay & ranges in size from a head to the Incredible Hulk, nobody ever hears it. It stalks people, runs through the jungle, roars(?!) & climbs what are apparently very strong trees, & nobody ever notices it until it's beating their head in with a stick.

OK, back to the story…sigh.

Kyle finally realizes that it was a bonehead idea to leave Doug behind (& this guy's in college?) & determines that they should go back to find him. They get back to where Doug had been left, only to find nothing. Of course, none of them ever bother to look up or hear him gasping for breath or the monster growling (see previous comment re: stealth).

Lisa begins to lose her tenuous grasp on her sanity & starts babbling about how they should go back to the camp, that no one had been attacked there & that they'd be safer there. And you know what? She's right, to an extent. I mean, I don't know why the Piñata hadn't attacked there yet, but they had been safe there. Anyway, Kyle & Tina think it's a bad idea, but Monica decides that Lisa's idea is sounding pretty reasonable. So, they head back.

Along the way, Lisa tells Monica that nature's calling. I would've thought that, given the trauma she's already been through, she would've…um…already taken care of business against her will, if you catch my meaning.

Y'know, I'm writing this & realizing that it just keeps getting dumber & dumber.

Sigh…needless to say, this little emission intermission gives the walking flowerpot enough time to gain on the women, taking out Monica. Lisa finally loses all her marbles & runs back to the camp. She hears something moving in one of the tents & foolishly moves in to investigate. Exit Lisa. Now, what I want to know is how the Piñata got from where he'd just et Monica, to the campsite & into the tent before Lisa. I know it has the same off screen teleportation abilities that all movie monsters have, but, c'mon! It's now smart enough to plan an ambush? How'd it know that Lisa was heading back to the camp? It's a friggin' Chia Pet, fer cryin' out loud!

Alright *sigh*, back to Kyle & Tina. Their still traipsing around the jungle when they hear something. They assume the worst, but, oh ho! it turns out to be Connie. It seems her little tumble down the hill saved her from being Piñata kibble. She's a little gimpy, but still alive. The trio makes back for the beach to get off the island. Upon getting there, they find out that the rafts have been deflated.

So, the Piñata knew what the rafts were for? A four hundred year old piece of pottery, with a pig's heart & the sins of a small village, is now not only a master of ambush, but of sabotage as well?

ARRRRGH!!! Stupid movie, keeping me awake, making my head hurt…

I honestly dozed off for a few minutes after the last scene, but I don't think I missed anything. When I came to, I saw that Tina was making Molotov cocktails (hey, there was plenty of alcohol around - why not?), which they all throw at the monster. It was here that I learned that terracotta is combustible, for the Piñata explodes after one of the makeshift incendiary devices is thrown at it. And that's pretty much the end of the Piñata. A short time later, a rescue team shows up (I don't know how they knew to come; must've happened while I dozed) &…that's it. The movie just…ends.

Which is not necessarily a bad thing, come to think of it.

So, what'd you really think?

Wow, this movie sucked. I don't know what all they cut out to make the version I saw, but I honestly don't think any amount of boobs or butts they took out could've made this cinematic steaming pile any better. And the music? Ugh! It literally assaults your ears. This was one of the most unpleasant scores that I've ever heard. All I can figure is that the producer had a talentless hack of a musician brother who had a band & insisted that he write & perform the music.

The one thing the movie had going for it, & I will give it credit where credit is due, is that it moved along pretty fast. While I could've done without the Coors Light opening & the pathetic efforts at characterization, the makers of this mess did get to the action (such as it was) pretty quickly. On the other side of the coin, the fact that the whole plot was one big, regurgitated, paint by numbers bore kinda takes away from any kudos that could possibly be heaped upon the movie.

I've developed a rating system to go along with the movies I review. Here's a breakdown & explanation of how the scoring works, using a scale of 1 to 5:

Plot: .5 Was it original? Did it tread any new ground or offer up a new spin on an old idea?

Acting: 3 Even cheesy movies can have fairly competent acting.

Special Effects: 1 Even cheesy movies can have competent F/X; but, sometimes seeing strings holding up a flying saucer or noticing the zipper on the back of a monster costume adds an endearing quality to a movie. Seriously bad CGI work though? Not so much.

Score: 1 I don't always pay too much attention to the score in a movie, but sometimes the movie won't let you not hear it.

Entertainment Value: 3 Was it fun? Would I watch it again? Would I purchase the movie at some point? Or would I be too embarrassed to show this even to my B-Movie watching friends?

Pinata: Survival Island: 1.7 Chia Pets out of 5

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